Death, taxes, mayonnaise playing a major role in college football for some reason. I actually hate that "death, taxes..." saying. It's extremely played out. But I'm not feeling especially creative right now so that's what you get.
Somehow big mayonnaise has infiltrated the greatest sport in the world. I'm not sure when it happened. I know it wasn't all that long ago. But somehow Duke's Mayo has convinced college football fans that if you REALLY love your team, then you'll take a jumbo sized jar of mayonnaise and spread it about your half naked body in the name of a school that you probably go to but just happens to be the best team you grew up within a couple hundred miles of. That's what you do when you're a Carolina fan (North or South I'm not sure).
What happens after the ESPN camera crew is done filming their soft core mayonnaise porn? Do they direct him to a shower? Give him an industrial sized box of wet naps? Supply the rest of the crown with turkey and buns so they can collectively wipe their bread on the large hairy man covered in condiment so that their sandwich isn't dry? No chance. They're just going to walk away and move on to the next. They're going to leave him there in the front row covered in mayonnaise and regret.